iiiii have lost 110 pounds. i've lowered my bmi by like, 18 points. it's crazy.

i want to be proud of myself for losing so much weight, and i want to tell everyone i see that, "hey! i've lost over a hundred pounds!" but i'm still nowhere near where i want to be, and i feel like instead of thinking, "wow, that's a lot of weight, she must've worked super hard" or something, they'll think, "wow, she must've been a giant fatty hosebeast."  it's probably stupid, but like, that's what i think when i realize how much weight i've lost and how fat i still am, so it's hard to imagine other people feeling differently. also, when i see someone i haven't seen in forever, they always comment on how much weight i've lost, and inevitably, i get the whole, "OMG, HOW'D YOU DO IT?!" and i'm not sure "i moved to a city i never have to drive in, so i walk everywhere and, also, i developed a drinking problem, so i eat less, and oh, when i do eat, i barf up about 1/3rd of my meals. more if i'm reallllyyy hating myself." is appropriate small talk.  bahh, bummer city.



i'm exercising a lot more than i used to.  ++
drinking about the same =
trying to eat healthier, so i don't feel like i have to barf as much +++


and when it gets warmer, i'm going to start riding my bike more and riding the subway less.

I'm trying to barf less.  I'm trying to make a concentrated effort on not eating foods that will make me feel barfy or bingey.  I normally have a problem with all day binge-fests when I stay home and I was home all day yesterday and I still did well. Who knows. (Fiber. Fiber helps.)


Maybe it's not something I can control and I just haven't been super compelled to binge.  Who knows.  Maybe I don't even care about barfing or how often I barf, I just don't want to shoot myself in the gag-reflex while I can still lose weight relatively easily.


I had a crazy dream about this magical binge last night. I'd write it down here so I could remember it, I mean, it was interesting, I just don't want to think about binging that much.




Fuck you, Brooklyn, I'm tired of yr frigid hellscape bullshit.  It's too cold for these old bones.

Tags: brunch, new barf city, thick ropey clumps of ice
Current Mood: frozen
Current Music: benji hughes - vibe so hot

i was going to go to this open bar tonight that i'm trying to become a regular at. i think the bartender might have the hots for me. i kind of actually don't think that, but everyone else i knew there thinks he might, but whatever, who cares. NOT THIS GAL.

i'm sitting around, binging my fucking brains out (in, rather?) so i can puke in a few minutes.

i was so productive today. i cleaned the kitchen, i started cleaning my room, i went and picked up my paycheck. AND THEN I ALMOST GOT HIT BY A GODDAMN CAR. i had to punch the car's trunk to get the guy to stop and not fucking end my goddamn life in a filthy brooklyn gutter. somehow i just didn't see the whole she-bang coming to an end a week before i fly home for the holidays in favor of rotting in a gutter. maybe i'm an optimist.


i'm not binging fast enough. i typed fat enough at first and then corrected it, but both are applicable, i suppose.


binge/purge sesh #2396487634:
hero with salami, provolone, mayo, onions, mustard
can of "loaded baked potato" pringles
two bags of salted peanuts
awesome kosher wine
diet pepsi



so many salty things. i'm scared about going home. i'm at a new low weight and i think a lot of it is because of my new physically demanding job and because of my recent increase in barf seshes. there's no way i can barf at home, it's like my mom knows what i'm thinking before i even make it to the bathroom. which is kind of actually weird since the barfing started about two years ago, well after i moved out.  weird. just weird.

I hate it when I'm fucking bummed and there's nothing to do and no one to hang out with and I can't listen to music because I make every lyric apply to what's wrong with my life and all I can do is sit here and feel sorry for myself.

Fuck. Fuck my life.

SNOOOOWWWWW!!!

Current Location: bed
Current Mood: STOKED.
Current Music: the go! team - hold yr terror close

Today was such a great day. I didn't plan on eating, but I owed my roommate lunch because he helped me carry some stuff home from the Post Office the other day, so we went for a bike ride and then he's all, "I'm a gross grimy dude, let's eat at this all you can eat Chinese buffet!" I protested, but to no avail. We ate there, and I ate more than I wanted to so I purged. It was weird, people kept walking in and it wasn't entirely private, but it sufficed, and I felt insanely better.

We were riding our bikes home after that and we wound up going on a crazy three hour bike ride through Brooklyn. We went to the cemetery where Harry Houdini is buried, but we couldn't find his grave. (TOTES BUMMER.)  It was great. I always forget that the whole borough is so ripe with hills as the subway doesn't offer much indication. I think I burned something like 2500 calories according to calorie-count.com. So if any crazy renegade Chinese food managed to elude me, it's now been "neutralized," if you will.

So now I'm sitting here, drinking wine, and we're going to watch Yi Yi in a few minutes. Not so bad. 

My stupid pseudo-ex-boyfriend turned roommate is going on a date tomorrow.

Weeeeiiiirrrrd.

I think what bothers me more than him dating, is me not dating. That and I saw the girl he's going out with and she's fucking tiny. This is garbage. He was all, "wait 'til you see her, you won't believe it."

I hate how fat dudes can date extraordinarily hot girls, but fat girls are fucking invisible. Actually, I don't hate that, I don't care, I just hate being fat.

Also, him dating someone that skinny makes me wonder how he could ever have been attracted to me. Like, "Oh, okay, you just wanted to fuck something and that's all I was to you, and that's why you never made any effort. Now you're going to date this stupid skinny jerk and you're going to make an effort, and since I'm your roommate now, I'm going to have to see this happen and it's going to make me feel like total shit. AWESOME. THANKS."

Current Mood: uncomfortable
Current Music: the make up - pow! to the people

new journal. weeeeoh.

i'm going back home for the weekend in a week. i'm so excited.

Current Location: the kitchen table
Current Mood: hungover
Current Music: tv on the radio - wolf like me